WARNING: This is a long post. Make sure you have a cup of tea handy.
About a week ago I blogged about a fishing game my husband made for our 3 yo daughter. In that post I mentioned how I was the bread winner of the family and my husband was the at home parent or what I fondly refer to as ‘my dear wife’.
At the time a few of you mentioned that you’d like to know more about this ‘arrangement’ for want of a better word so I’ve been giving it some thought over the last week and have decided to give it a go.
Firstly, I’ll need to tell you a bit about myself. I have three children - a 16 yo boy, 11 yo daughter and a 3 yo daughter. My eldest two kids are from my previous marriage. I had my son when I was 21 which is considered extremely young these days and spent a good 7 years or so as an at home mum before my marriage broke down and I was left on my own to raise two kids.
When I was about 30 I met my current husband who was working at the child care centre my daughter attended and where I filled in casually whilst I studied. He was a brilliant child care worker who had an incredible rapport with kids and we discovered we had a lot in common. Without going into the detail you could say the rest is history!!
After being together for 5 years we decided to have a child and we both agreed that when the baby was 6 months old I would return to work and he would stay at home. I had started to build a career for myself, was doing extremely well and was absolute loving it. My husband on the other hand didn’t really like his job and didn't have any children of his own. He'd resolved that our child would probably be his only one and he wanted to get the most out of this opportunity. He also knew I was feeling a little burnt out by parenting. Although my kids were older and increasingly independent going back to having a baby in the house was a bit of a step backwards for me.
So we had Ivy and after three years down there track there's quite a bit I've learnt. I’ve learnt that it’s the primary care giver not necessarily the mother that a child attaches itself to. It was an interesting learning curve I found myself in when Ivy was at the age where she started to be conscious of her parents. When she fell over or was sad she didn’t want me at all. She only wanted her dad and would push me away. This still happens quite a bit but if I hadn’t experienced being an at home mum I could quite easily feel rejected by this.
So it's also made me think a lot about dad’s and what they go through as parents. They don’t have the hindsight I have. I imagine it makes quite a few of them withdraw from participating in parenting as much as they’d like to. They must feel kind of useless because they feel they can’t satisfy the needs of their own child. Some of them must blame themselves because they don’t know what to do and as a consequence their wives end up doing more and resenting them for it. This is no doubt hard on some relationships because not only does the dad not know why his child/children are pushing him away, their wives don’t know necessarily know they are struggling with connecting with their child. You can see the knock on effect of all this misunderstanding can’t you? It's really made me see relationships very differently...
But wait, there’s more...
What is also quite surprising is that I no longer wake up in the middle of the night when Ivy wakes up. This was a huge OMG discovery for me. With my eldest two I woke up at every squeak they made and would be furious with their father for sleeping through every single time. (I probably owe him an apology for going off the handle a few times but after weighing it up, he really doesn’t deserve it so let’s not go there = P!! Sorry, I digress!!)
I’m afraid on sleeping through I’m one of the boys now through and through. Nine times out of ten I don’t hear a thing and nine times out of ten when I do it’s my husband returning to bed after the fact. I can’t figure out how this one works but it must have something to do with an instinctual connection we have with our kids. If you’re not the primary care giver then the switch is turned off. It’s totally bizarre and I’m actually embarrassed by it!! I feel down right horrible when it happens because I know how hard it is dragging yourself out of bed when someone next to you is oblivious to it. I’d be interested to hear what happens with those of you that share the care at home? Do you both wake up?
But on the upside what makes me different to most of the boys is that I know how important it is to come home every night at the same time or earlier! I know what a relief it is to have someone else to take over the responsibility of the kids and to have an adult to talk to. That being said, I now also know how hard it is to walk in the door after a hard day at work and switch straight into ‘dad’ mode without fully winding down, but hey, that’s the compromise isn’t it?
I also know that if I am going to come home later than normal on any given night that giving ‘my darling wife’ as much notice as possible is really important. I know that for him beginning his day with the knowledge that his ‘husband’ is coming home late gives him the mental space to adjust to it as opposed to finding out an hour before he’s due home. It’s awful when you expect a break (and the return of your sanity) is coming in under an hour only to find out at short notice that it’s not.
Firstly, I’ll need to tell you a bit about myself. I have three children - a 16 yo boy, 11 yo daughter and a 3 yo daughter. My eldest two kids are from my previous marriage. I had my son when I was 21 which is considered extremely young these days and spent a good 7 years or so as an at home mum before my marriage broke down and I was left on my own to raise two kids.
When I was about 30 I met my current husband who was working at the child care centre my daughter attended and where I filled in casually whilst I studied. He was a brilliant child care worker who had an incredible rapport with kids and we discovered we had a lot in common. Without going into the detail you could say the rest is history!!
After being together for 5 years we decided to have a child and we both agreed that when the baby was 6 months old I would return to work and he would stay at home. I had started to build a career for myself, was doing extremely well and was absolute loving it. My husband on the other hand didn’t really like his job and didn't have any children of his own. He'd resolved that our child would probably be his only one and he wanted to get the most out of this opportunity. He also knew I was feeling a little burnt out by parenting. Although my kids were older and increasingly independent going back to having a baby in the house was a bit of a step backwards for me.
So we had Ivy and after three years down there track there's quite a bit I've learnt. I’ve learnt that it’s the primary care giver not necessarily the mother that a child attaches itself to. It was an interesting learning curve I found myself in when Ivy was at the age where she started to be conscious of her parents. When she fell over or was sad she didn’t want me at all. She only wanted her dad and would push me away. This still happens quite a bit but if I hadn’t experienced being an at home mum I could quite easily feel rejected by this.
So it's also made me think a lot about dad’s and what they go through as parents. They don’t have the hindsight I have. I imagine it makes quite a few of them withdraw from participating in parenting as much as they’d like to. They must feel kind of useless because they feel they can’t satisfy the needs of their own child. Some of them must blame themselves because they don’t know what to do and as a consequence their wives end up doing more and resenting them for it. This is no doubt hard on some relationships because not only does the dad not know why his child/children are pushing him away, their wives don’t know necessarily know they are struggling with connecting with their child. You can see the knock on effect of all this misunderstanding can’t you? It's really made me see relationships very differently...
But wait, there’s more...
What is also quite surprising is that I no longer wake up in the middle of the night when Ivy wakes up. This was a huge OMG discovery for me. With my eldest two I woke up at every squeak they made and would be furious with their father for sleeping through every single time. (I probably owe him an apology for going off the handle a few times but after weighing it up, he really doesn’t deserve it so let’s not go there = P!! Sorry, I digress!!)
I’m afraid on sleeping through I’m one of the boys now through and through. Nine times out of ten I don’t hear a thing and nine times out of ten when I do it’s my husband returning to bed after the fact. I can’t figure out how this one works but it must have something to do with an instinctual connection we have with our kids. If you’re not the primary care giver then the switch is turned off. It’s totally bizarre and I’m actually embarrassed by it!! I feel down right horrible when it happens because I know how hard it is dragging yourself out of bed when someone next to you is oblivious to it. I’d be interested to hear what happens with those of you that share the care at home? Do you both wake up?
But on the upside what makes me different to most of the boys is that I know how important it is to come home every night at the same time or earlier! I know what a relief it is to have someone else to take over the responsibility of the kids and to have an adult to talk to. That being said, I now also know how hard it is to walk in the door after a hard day at work and switch straight into ‘dad’ mode without fully winding down, but hey, that’s the compromise isn’t it?
I also know that if I am going to come home later than normal on any given night that giving ‘my darling wife’ as much notice as possible is really important. I know that for him beginning his day with the knowledge that his ‘husband’ is coming home late gives him the mental space to adjust to it as opposed to finding out an hour before he’s due home. It’s awful when you expect a break (and the return of your sanity) is coming in under an hour only to find out at short notice that it’s not.
It’s funny. I was discussing this exact topic one day at work to a gentleman with adult children. I mentioned how interesting it was for me observing motherhood from the other side. I used the example of coming home late with little to no warning and the effect it has on you when you are the one at home. He turned to me and said ‘that’s why my wife got so angry with me all those times!’. It’s a shame I wasn’t able to provide him with this insight when he was younger, it might have made a big difference to his poor wife!!
So this is my experience so far of being a dad and I’m still learning things as Ivy grows. She’s three now and more accepting of my role in her life. She loves it when it’s just the two of us, ‘only girls mummy. two girls, no boys’. She also doesn’t mind if I provide her with comfort when she’s sad but if given a choice she more than often wants her dad. I don’t begrudge her this. He is pretty cute, loads of fun and an amazing mum.
But he’s also an amazing wife and partner. He is an amazing cook, loves food and good wine and cooks for me and the kids every night. He does most of the housework, the shopping and chauffeurs the kids here and there. He supports me in my career and allows me to do my crafty thing in my spare time. He also loves my eldest two kids as though they were his own and I know they are both grateful for having him in their lives. What can I say? he’s simply amazing. I used to say when I was a single mum that I didn’t need a husband, I needed a wife. Goes to show you can have anything in life if you put your mind to it!!
So this is my experience so far of being a dad and I’m still learning things as Ivy grows. She’s three now and more accepting of my role in her life. She loves it when it’s just the two of us, ‘only girls mummy. two girls, no boys’. She also doesn’t mind if I provide her with comfort when she’s sad but if given a choice she more than often wants her dad. I don’t begrudge her this. He is pretty cute, loads of fun and an amazing mum.
But he’s also an amazing wife and partner. He is an amazing cook, loves food and good wine and cooks for me and the kids every night. He does most of the housework, the shopping and chauffeurs the kids here and there. He supports me in my career and allows me to do my crafty thing in my spare time. He also loves my eldest two kids as though they were his own and I know they are both grateful for having him in their lives. What can I say? he’s simply amazing. I used to say when I was a single mum that I didn’t need a husband, I needed a wife. Goes to show you can have anything in life if you put your mind to it!!
