WARNING: This is a long post. Make sure you have a cup of tea handy.
About a week ago I blogged about a fishing game my husband made for our 3 yo daughter. In that post I mentioned how I was the bread winner of the family and my husband was the at home parent or what I fondly refer to as ‘my dear wife’.
At the time a few of you mentioned that you’d like to know more about this ‘arrangement’ for want of a better word so I’ve been giving it some thought over the last week and have decided to give it a go.
Firstly, I’ll need to tell you a bit about myself. I have three children - a 16 yo boy, 11 yo daughter and a 3 yo daughter. My eldest two kids are from my previous marriage. I had my son when I was 21 which is considered extremely young these days and spent a good 7 years or so as an at home mum before my marriage broke down and I was left on my own to raise two kids.
When I was about 30 I met my current husband who was working at the child care centre my daughter attended and where I filled in casually whilst I studied. He was a brilliant child care worker who had an incredible rapport with kids and we discovered we had a lot in common. Without going into the detail you could say the rest is history!!
After being together for 5 years we decided to have a child and we both agreed that when the baby was 6 months old I would return to work and he would stay at home. I had started to build a career for myself, was doing extremely well and was absolute loving it. My husband on the other hand didn’t really like his job and didn't have any children of his own. He'd resolved that our child would probably be his only one and he wanted to get the most out of this opportunity. He also knew I was feeling a little burnt out by parenting. Although my kids were older and increasingly independent going back to having a baby in the house was a bit of a step backwards for me.
So we had Ivy and after three years down there track there's quite a bit I've learnt. I’ve learnt that it’s the primary care giver not necessarily the mother that a child attaches itself to. It was an interesting learning curve I found myself in when Ivy was at the age where she started to be conscious of her parents. When she fell over or was sad she didn’t want me at all. She only wanted her dad and would push me away. This still happens quite a bit but if I hadn’t experienced being an at home mum I could quite easily feel rejected by this.
So it's also made me think a lot about dad’s and what they go through as parents. They don’t have the hindsight I have. I imagine it makes quite a few of them withdraw from participating in parenting as much as they’d like to. They must feel kind of useless because they feel they can’t satisfy the needs of their own child. Some of them must blame themselves because they don’t know what to do and as a consequence their wives end up doing more and resenting them for it. This is no doubt hard on some relationships because not only does the dad not know why his child/children are pushing him away, their wives don’t know necessarily know they are struggling with connecting with their child. You can see the knock on effect of all this misunderstanding can’t you? It's really made me see relationships very differently...
But wait, there’s more...
What is also quite surprising is that I no longer wake up in the middle of the night when Ivy wakes up. This was a huge OMG discovery for me. With my eldest two I woke up at every squeak they made and would be furious with their father for sleeping through every single time. (I probably owe him an apology for going off the handle a few times but after weighing it up, he really doesn’t deserve it so let’s not go there = P!! Sorry, I digress!!)
I’m afraid on sleeping through I’m one of the boys now through and through. Nine times out of ten I don’t hear a thing and nine times out of ten when I do it’s my husband returning to bed after the fact. I can’t figure out how this one works but it must have something to do with an instinctual connection we have with our kids. If you’re not the primary care giver then the switch is turned off. It’s totally bizarre and I’m actually embarrassed by it!! I feel down right horrible when it happens because I know how hard it is dragging yourself out of bed when someone next to you is oblivious to it. I’d be interested to hear what happens with those of you that share the care at home? Do you both wake up?
But on the upside what makes me different to most of the boys is that I know how important it is to come home every night at the same time or earlier! I know what a relief it is to have someone else to take over the responsibility of the kids and to have an adult to talk to. That being said, I now also know how hard it is to walk in the door after a hard day at work and switch straight into ‘dad’ mode without fully winding down, but hey, that’s the compromise isn’t it?
I also know that if I am going to come home later than normal on any given night that giving ‘my darling wife’ as much notice as possible is really important. I know that for him beginning his day with the knowledge that his ‘husband’ is coming home late gives him the mental space to adjust to it as opposed to finding out an hour before he’s due home. It’s awful when you expect a break (and the return of your sanity) is coming in under an hour only to find out at short notice that it’s not.
Firstly, I’ll need to tell you a bit about myself. I have three children - a 16 yo boy, 11 yo daughter and a 3 yo daughter. My eldest two kids are from my previous marriage. I had my son when I was 21 which is considered extremely young these days and spent a good 7 years or so as an at home mum before my marriage broke down and I was left on my own to raise two kids.
When I was about 30 I met my current husband who was working at the child care centre my daughter attended and where I filled in casually whilst I studied. He was a brilliant child care worker who had an incredible rapport with kids and we discovered we had a lot in common. Without going into the detail you could say the rest is history!!
After being together for 5 years we decided to have a child and we both agreed that when the baby was 6 months old I would return to work and he would stay at home. I had started to build a career for myself, was doing extremely well and was absolute loving it. My husband on the other hand didn’t really like his job and didn't have any children of his own. He'd resolved that our child would probably be his only one and he wanted to get the most out of this opportunity. He also knew I was feeling a little burnt out by parenting. Although my kids were older and increasingly independent going back to having a baby in the house was a bit of a step backwards for me.
So we had Ivy and after three years down there track there's quite a bit I've learnt. I’ve learnt that it’s the primary care giver not necessarily the mother that a child attaches itself to. It was an interesting learning curve I found myself in when Ivy was at the age where she started to be conscious of her parents. When she fell over or was sad she didn’t want me at all. She only wanted her dad and would push me away. This still happens quite a bit but if I hadn’t experienced being an at home mum I could quite easily feel rejected by this.
So it's also made me think a lot about dad’s and what they go through as parents. They don’t have the hindsight I have. I imagine it makes quite a few of them withdraw from participating in parenting as much as they’d like to. They must feel kind of useless because they feel they can’t satisfy the needs of their own child. Some of them must blame themselves because they don’t know what to do and as a consequence their wives end up doing more and resenting them for it. This is no doubt hard on some relationships because not only does the dad not know why his child/children are pushing him away, their wives don’t know necessarily know they are struggling with connecting with their child. You can see the knock on effect of all this misunderstanding can’t you? It's really made me see relationships very differently...
But wait, there’s more...
What is also quite surprising is that I no longer wake up in the middle of the night when Ivy wakes up. This was a huge OMG discovery for me. With my eldest two I woke up at every squeak they made and would be furious with their father for sleeping through every single time. (I probably owe him an apology for going off the handle a few times but after weighing it up, he really doesn’t deserve it so let’s not go there = P!! Sorry, I digress!!)
I’m afraid on sleeping through I’m one of the boys now through and through. Nine times out of ten I don’t hear a thing and nine times out of ten when I do it’s my husband returning to bed after the fact. I can’t figure out how this one works but it must have something to do with an instinctual connection we have with our kids. If you’re not the primary care giver then the switch is turned off. It’s totally bizarre and I’m actually embarrassed by it!! I feel down right horrible when it happens because I know how hard it is dragging yourself out of bed when someone next to you is oblivious to it. I’d be interested to hear what happens with those of you that share the care at home? Do you both wake up?
But on the upside what makes me different to most of the boys is that I know how important it is to come home every night at the same time or earlier! I know what a relief it is to have someone else to take over the responsibility of the kids and to have an adult to talk to. That being said, I now also know how hard it is to walk in the door after a hard day at work and switch straight into ‘dad’ mode without fully winding down, but hey, that’s the compromise isn’t it?
I also know that if I am going to come home later than normal on any given night that giving ‘my darling wife’ as much notice as possible is really important. I know that for him beginning his day with the knowledge that his ‘husband’ is coming home late gives him the mental space to adjust to it as opposed to finding out an hour before he’s due home. It’s awful when you expect a break (and the return of your sanity) is coming in under an hour only to find out at short notice that it’s not.
It’s funny. I was discussing this exact topic one day at work to a gentleman with adult children. I mentioned how interesting it was for me observing motherhood from the other side. I used the example of coming home late with little to no warning and the effect it has on you when you are the one at home. He turned to me and said ‘that’s why my wife got so angry with me all those times!’. It’s a shame I wasn’t able to provide him with this insight when he was younger, it might have made a big difference to his poor wife!!
So this is my experience so far of being a dad and I’m still learning things as Ivy grows. She’s three now and more accepting of my role in her life. She loves it when it’s just the two of us, ‘only girls mummy. two girls, no boys’. She also doesn’t mind if I provide her with comfort when she’s sad but if given a choice she more than often wants her dad. I don’t begrudge her this. He is pretty cute, loads of fun and an amazing mum.
But he’s also an amazing wife and partner. He is an amazing cook, loves food and good wine and cooks for me and the kids every night. He does most of the housework, the shopping and chauffeurs the kids here and there. He supports me in my career and allows me to do my crafty thing in my spare time. He also loves my eldest two kids as though they were his own and I know they are both grateful for having him in their lives. What can I say? he’s simply amazing. I used to say when I was a single mum that I didn’t need a husband, I needed a wife. Goes to show you can have anything in life if you put your mind to it!!
So this is my experience so far of being a dad and I’m still learning things as Ivy grows. She’s three now and more accepting of my role in her life. She loves it when it’s just the two of us, ‘only girls mummy. two girls, no boys’. She also doesn’t mind if I provide her with comfort when she’s sad but if given a choice she more than often wants her dad. I don’t begrudge her this. He is pretty cute, loads of fun and an amazing mum.
But he’s also an amazing wife and partner. He is an amazing cook, loves food and good wine and cooks for me and the kids every night. He does most of the housework, the shopping and chauffeurs the kids here and there. He supports me in my career and allows me to do my crafty thing in my spare time. He also loves my eldest two kids as though they were his own and I know they are both grateful for having him in their lives. What can I say? he’s simply amazing. I used to say when I was a single mum that I didn’t need a husband, I needed a wife. Goes to show you can have anything in life if you put your mind to it!!
37 comments:
What a lovely post. Thanks for sharing with us and continue looking after your wife - he's a keeper!
Thank you for sharing that story. I found it to be quite insightful, especially the note about children turning first to the primary care giver when general support is required. I'll try to remember that when Gwen gets older.
Does he have a single brother?
Thanks Melanie! So well written and insightful - such an important story to share, I think. Sounds like you definitely found the perfect wife!
Lara (thornberry)
Great post Melanie, 21st century dads are so wonderful.
Chele x P.S. thanks for checking my Happydacks email Mel
That one about coming home on time is a biggy. The first time Hubby T worked late post-baby he didn't tell me, and for half an hour I was sitting holding a whingy baby, staring at the door with no idea why he hadn't turned up. And I didn't tell him what was wrong either. But it only happened once or twice more before he got in the habit of letting me know if he left even slightly late. it makes such a difference to me.
Thanks for sharing your story.
It was my pleasure Thea, and I will definitely look after him
It was a pleasure Emjie.
Funnily enough you are not the first one to ask that but I'm afraid he doesn't have a single brother. Sorry!!
Thanks Lara. And I certainly have found the perfect wife.
Twas my pleasure Chele! Glad to be of help with your emails.
Coming late home is a killer isn't it? I think it was one of the hardest things to deal with especially when they haven't told you and you are left waiting.
Thanks for sharing your story Mel. I was intrigued after the initial mention. Hubby and I both work but I earn the bigger dollars so after kids, I was always heading back to work. (After about three months with both) But I work afternoons so we tag team. Hubby is gone before we get up generally, I do the morning school runs and I am around till they come home from school then off I go. He does afternoons, music lessons, dinner and bed. It means he is completely hands-on and I still get to be mum. It works for us but sometimes we struggle with a lack of a real routine.
Interestingly though, I don't wake up to their shouts in the night either. Well rarely. He's a lighter sleeper than me so is usually up to them first! They are older but I sometimes wonder where my "maternal instinct" might have gone!
Thanks so much for this post. It's so helpful to have your reflections. I'm passionate about giving children the opportunity to be raised by a primary care giver, but this post confirms to me that it's not necessarily sex-specific. I know another couple who has done the same to great effect. Bizarre how the waking overnight thing works... good to know in case the tables turn in our house (though I can't see that happening, and my hubby is great at getting up when I prod him!!). It also drives home the value of clear communication. We worked out early on that we need to have a chat during the day to clarify home time expectations, and also just to gauge each others' moods so that the other knows what to expect - less opportunity for resentment to set in when you're prepared!
Thanks again. Great post.
Thanks for this post Melanie, I found it very interesting. My partner and I have not had children yet, but at the moment we have a similar arrangement in that I am the bread winner and he does all the housework, shopping, meals, "the wife stuff", it has just kind of happened that way due to other circumstances in our lives too long to describe here. I was previously married and was a housewife during that time so I have been on both sides in that respect.
When Bill & I do have children I expect we will have a similar "arrangement" to yours. The only problem we face is our families really don't understand this. It seems they have gender specific ideas of how their children should be "looked after" by their partner. A man looks after his wife through the money he provides and a woman looks after her husband through the comforts provided in the home, they find it hard to accept those roles swapping.
Do you come against anything like this from your extended family?
Great post Melanie - your story, for me, really highlights the importance of undertaking different roles and trying different things throughout our lives. I suppose, just as the cliche would have us believe, variety really is the spice of life. By undertaking both roles your perspective on life has been so enriched.
I have been the primary carer since the birth of my first child. I used to wake during the night after my first child was born but my loving partner got in the habit of getting up and bringing my son into bed to be breast fed... so after a while I just stopped waking up until bub was on my boob and in the bed.
Thanks so much for this post. It's so helpful to hear the stories of both "mum" and "dad" in a way that can't be biased!
The whole unexpected late home thing - I thought it was just me who didn't cope (at all) with it :) . So that alone is really helpful!
I'm very lucky because my husband is really involved in the parenting thing. He often gets up if our daughter wakes in the night, which is very nice for me! I mostly still wake up even if I'm not the one getting up but it's nice to not be solely responsible.
What a great insight into your life. It is fascinating how many different family scenarios there are out there and how they impact on us and our children. I guess in our situation I am the primary carer but because bren works from home he is always around and on call if I need him. He can be inside as quickly as he can get off the tractor and up the hill if I need rescuing and I reckon he gets up to the girls as often as I do. It'll be interesting to watch these kids being brought up having such hands on Dad's when it is time for them to chose partners. I wonder if they'll give the arseholes so many of us chose first a miss.
wow what a wonderful insight. lots to think about. we have not had kids yet. i think i'll be saving your story in a safe place to read again when the time comes and letting my partner read. it too i think it could be really helpful to at least to remember and consider what the other may be going through. thanks for sharing your story. i really enjoyed reading this x
Mel ... I have a question for you ... well, you know we've known each other for awhile now and ... well ... will you marry me?! I neeeeeed a husband like you! :-D Seriously though thank you for sharing such a lovely post. I love your balanced take on things - you are so lucky to have experienced both sides of the caregiver/provider role so that you can really have that perspective. I especially loved your comment about being home on time. This is huuuuge for me! I actually keep my cool way better on the nights I know Jamie is away than on the nights when I think he may be five minutes off! And the sleeping thing is very funny! i know now what's behind the shocked and guilty grin now when I mention to the Mr that I've been up during the night without him moving a muscle! x
Wow I like the tag team you have going. It's a good spread of the load which is probably why it works. As for routine - meh - gotta love the chaos of spontaneity! Glad to hear I'm also not the only mum oblivious to her children. I don't feel as guilty!
It does drive home the need for good communication. I think when we react in anger (coming home late) it sometimes forces communication and the message gets skewed. I think we need to sometimes say something like "I'm angry that you are home late but we'll talk about it tomorrow". Sometimes a bit of time helps us understand what we are really feeling.
great to hear your story, funny as i too have a 'great man-wife' and was just thinking the other day that i should also mention that in a post as it contributes to me being able to do what i do. I smiled at the night waking story, as he also has got up when i have slept through having no idea.. and yes, feeling a little slack! the whole role reversal thing is an interesting social study to live! x
We had the same set up too for a long time. GLen has a whole new appreciation for what goes on at home now and even though he has gone back to work now always makes sure he cooks dinner and helps clean as he now knows all the stuff that goes into a day at home. The kids loved having him too but he always found that most other mums in the playground were quite stand-offish with him - strange but true.
Thanks for your comments Claire. I'm glad I was able to give you something to think about for when you decide to have children. It sounds like you have a pretty good arrangement going on too.
Our extended family is very supportive. I think that's because both our parents were divorced when we were both quite young and our mothers were both single mothers. I think they fully understand the workload on both sides of the fence and therefore are very open minded.
Ahh the joys of night feeds! I'm glad your partner helps out there. I think the fatigue you feel during the first few months with a new baby is very challenging and every bit of help you get makes it that bit easier.
And I agree about trying different things in our lives too. Just because I have this arrangement does not mean it can be applied with success everywhere. Diversity and the willingness to try different things is really important.
It's very interesting. You're not the only one who has said the late home thing is a challenge for them. It's obviously a seriously underacknowledged bug bear in people's lives and would be difficult to understand unless you've been through it yourself.
And go hubby for waking up! He sounds like a great guy for doing the night wakes. If it's any consolation I woke up last night but was severely rejected by my daughter so my husband had to get up anyway. I tried!!
Hi Kate! Your scenario (work at home dad) would be very interesting too. You are both 'around' the place and I imagjne that impacts the dynamic quite a bit. Maybe that's why you both get up at night? (apart from being freat people and supportive of one another of course!)
Thank you. I'm glad you've enjoyed reading this post. I've really enjoyed the feed back I've received and the different ways people live their lives. If you decide to keep this post then make sure you save the comments too. They are also very interesting!
Of course I'll marry you Mel!! I've always been one for bigamy!
It's interesting how many comments mention the late thing being such a big thing. I've obviously hit on something there. I know it helps when you realise that you are not the only person going through things. You don't feel like you are behaving neurotically anymore!
At the same time a few people have mentioned that their partners get up in the night. I think Jamie and I need to work on hearing the kids!! Eek! I feel so bad.
You should post about it. I'd love to read your perspective too! There's not a lot of us around though we are a growing group. Please let me know if you do post. I'd love to read it.
Yes, I think if parents could experience both sides things would flow a lot better and there would be a lot less frustration about.
Interesting about the mums. I think there's some women think men are clumsy parents. Society has traditionally viewed the role of women as in the home and has portrayed men as hopeless parents if mum isn't around. All those movies where chaos has reined when mum isn't around. We might be have a battle on our hands in regards to equality but we are not doing ourselves any favours if we believe false stereotypes!
My hubby took over from me at mother's group. My mum's group is great and they all meet up regularly and have no qualms about him being there.
Thanks for this post Mel, I even convinced my partner to read it after another minor melt down (from me)last week after the 5 o'clock call to say "sorry not home until later". I think this really is a problem lotsof stay at home parents have. But that was not the main reason I convinced my partner to read your post, there were lots of insights for me as well.
I've just been catching up on all your posts and had a great old read. Especially when I read through each and every word of this one - what an incredible insight. It really has adressed so many emotional ups and downs that both mum's and dad's experience (sometimes without the other's knowledge). And I had no idea about the bond being strongest with the primary care giver as opposed to just the mum. I'm going to ask my hubby to read this - he'll be rather suprised to methinks (and will be excellent advice for us who don't yet have little-uns). Thanks for putting this out there, I think it's incredibly generous and will be good insight for everyone who reads it.
I must have missed this very insightful post. I stayed home for the first year with busy and it was great then when i went back to work when she was 1 we both worked part time. It is so ideal. Busy goes to day care soe days , some days she is at hoem with just me or days with just chef or days with all three of us. Chef and I both have one day a week where we both have the house to ourselves and Busy is at day care. We think its the perfect arrangement and is helped along by his flexibale work hours and mine too.
What a lovely depiction of modern family life. I too am partnered with the "wife" I always dreamed of. He said something about our lifestyle a while ago that I found quite touching. he said how lucky we are to live in an era when we can both have the roles we truly want. It made me sad to think of how many have been denied that opportunity in the past.
What a great post - this one should be famous! will get my other half to read it!
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